My Best Read of 2021

I read a very impactful book recently—I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye by Ivan Maisel. The author is a well-known college football reporter who had a 20+ year career at ESPN, but this book has nothing to do with sports.

Ivan’s 21-year old son, Max, took his own life in 2015. It was a widely reported story due to the nature of it and the fact that Ivan was a popular ESPN personality. Max was a photography student at Rochester Institute of Technology in New York. He went missing on February 22, 2015. His car was discovered near a boat dock on Lake Ontario a short time later. There was no suicide note and no trace of Max other than someone saw him walking from his car near the frozen lake. Throughout the period of uncertainty, Ivan and his wife along with their two daughters traveled back and forth from their home in Connecticut to Rochester hoping that Max would turn up, alive or not. Max’s body was found by a fisherman on April 20, long after the family held funeral and memorial services.

The book tells the story of his son’s life as well as his death, while addressing the challenges faced by those suffering from mental illness and their families. Ivan has been on quite a media tour promoting the book and his genuine attempt to help others who are dealing with these issues is abundantly transparent. He does not shy away from talking about anything. He writes, “I play a lot of golf, and, invariably, when playing with someone I don’t know well, the conversation on the walk down the fairway turns to children. ‘How many kids do you have?’ I make sure to modulate my tone. I don’t mumble. I don’t speak with an air of apology for answering an unloaded question with an emotional blast. The only hurt I suffer is that I don’t answer, as I did for 21 years, in chronological order. ‘We have two girls, 29 and 24,’ I say, ‘and our son died six years ago. He was 21, a junior in college. He went into a spiral, and we didn’t know it, and he ended his life.’”

He continues, “I am willing to answer any questions about Max as simply and matter-of-factly as I answer the first one. You asked about my children. Max remains one of my children. Not only for my own peace of mind, but for the greater good. The fact is, mental illness needs sunlight.” That is one of my favorite lines in the book.

I lost someone in 2018 who once was a very close friend of mine. We had grown apart over the years as we both were busy with our respective careers and raising families, but we remained friends. I didn’t see him or talk to him much over the last few years of his life. He took his own life after struggling with depression, of which few knew the depth. Some of his once closest friends, with whom I remain connected, all pledged to reach out to each other if we are ever going through a difficult time. But my friend’s death still pained me deeply. I always wondered if I could have been a help to him if we were closer. A passage in the book really helped me gain some clarity:

“One of the people who leapt to our aid was someone I grew up with…she is one of the nation’s leading experts on helping children who have suffered traumatic experiences build resilience and coping skills. ‘It’s probably no comfort,’ she said, ‘but there is zero, zero, zero, zero chance you could stop it. If somebody decides that is something they want to do, there is nothing that is going to get in their way.’”

Ivan goes on to give many more stories about his grief. “I began to see that when the pain grew acute, the next day, or maybe the day after that, wouldn’t be as bad. I just had to lean into the pain, accept it and wait for it to recede. A griever is like a beachcomber at the shore. Sometimes the waves wash over your ankles. Sometimes they wash over your head. Either way, the waves recede.”

He goes on to tell some beautiful stories of how he has helped other parents in similar situations. “Losing a child eclipses all of life’s tragedies,” he eloquently says. He lets them know that “this life, this new life will never be as full as the former one, where mental illness was something that happened in other families. That life is gone. But this life can be fulfilling.”

“In the years since he died, Max has taught me more, perhaps because class never stops. To say that I have a serenity that I didn’t have before might convey the wrong impression. But there is a lot of small stuff that I no longer sweat. I have experienced one of the worst events any human being can endure, and I am still standing. I no longer cede power to situations that used to upset me or make me anxious, be they at work or in the community. I am more open and honest, less afraid of emotions than I was before Max died.”

I recently reconnected with a friend I used to see at U of A football games…I met him many years ago through our tailgate group. He told me that his 18-year old daughter took her own life earlier this year after a long struggle with depression. My heart breaks for him as he is now in what Ivan Maisel calls “The Club No One Wants to Join.” I ordered him a copy of this book and I hope that it will help him get through another day.

This is a sad story, but one that very much needs to be read. “Mental health needs sunlight.”

Amazon - I Keep Trying to Catch His Eye

-Gary Weiss, January 2022