Money & Marriage
My husband is not the male version of myself. I know, I was surprised as well. First of all, he puts the forks in the dishwasher facing down…?! And he doesn’t believe in laundry baskets or throw pillows. He is easily the most patient person I’ve ever met (God knew I needed that), he never takes himself too seriously, and he changes his mind at restaurants at least three times before they take his order. We couldn’t be more different. And you know what? Being his wife is better than I could have ever dreamed! When Jacob asked me to be his wife, I knew there were and always would be differences between us, some big (the forks!) and some small. In the weeks leading up to our wedding I closed my bank account and we merged what little money we had into one account. Gosh, I questioned if the fork thing was a deal breaker, that was nothing compared to how we approached spending money. Jacob is what you would call a saver. I’d encountered this oddity before with my younger sister who saved every piece of candy she ever acquired in a box until everything tasted like chocolate and juicy fruit gum. I suddenly realized why Melanie and Jacob got along so well. They say girls marry their fathers; I married my younger sister. The first few months definitely weren’t easy (see previous blog post on budgeting) as I am NOT a natural saver. I’ve never been bad with money; I just have more of a propensity to spend than to save. To this day we don’t agree on everything when it comes to spending money. What we do agree on is that we are a team, in every aspect of life… including money.
People usually fall into one of two categories, spenders and savers. Yeah, it’s a bit of a sliding scale, but we all lean one way or another on that scale. Neither school of thought is all right or all wrong. And those two categories only scratch the surface of what makes us all so different when it comes to finances. WHAT we spend our money on can be very different as well. It’s just a good thing we don’t have to share a bank account with everyone we meet. Enters: marriage. For the most part, as married people, we understand that there will be things we have to work through as a couple, but for one reason or another, when it comes to finances, we tend to want to exclude it from the compromise. And that’s scary! Often times, we see couples (especially young couples) electing to bill split. Each spouse maintains their own financial independence and they split expenses such as mortgage, childcare, groceries, etc. While it may seem sensible on the surface, I know from experience with clients that it hinders a couple’s ability to plan for the future. Home buying, retirement and estate planning, and emergency preparations suffer as a result of a divided financial house. It can also cause resentment and financial infidelity. So, if that’s not a good option, how do you handle financial disagreements within a marriage? According to The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, money issues and arguments are one of the top three leading causes for divorce.
Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts/ CDFA Professionals Reveal Leading Causes of Divorce (08/19/2013)
Here are 5 tips I have learned to help protect your marriage from the crippling effects of financial disagreement.
- Avoid debt. In a 2017 survey done by Ramsey Solutions, the number of people who said money is a top issue they fight about in their marriage increased as debt level increased. 48% of those with more than $50,000 in debt said money was a top argument issue. Whereas only 23% of those with less than $10,000 in debt said the same. I’ve blogged about debt in the past and the horrible, long term effects in can have on your finances. It feels like a prison and the added stress it brings is bound to create turmoil between you and the person with whom you share that debt (or maybe don’t share, which is even more difficult). Pay cash for everything possible; even if it means you have to delay gratification and save for what you want. Your marriage will be happy you did.
- Create a budget. If you’re shocked by this one, you must be new here. Your budget is your spending plan and forces you onto the same page when it comes to determining where your money will go. It’s important to create your budget together with each spouse having an input and areas of the budget that excite them. For me, that was the clothing budget. For my husband, it was his gym membership. Don’t forget to include savings, unexpected financial burdens will come, it’s best to be prepared.
- Talk about it. If I’ve learned one thing working in finance, it’s that people don’t like talking about finance. It’s often uncomfortable and vulnerable. However, couples who talk about money daily or weekly are more likely to classify their marriage as great, rather than “okay” or “in crisis” for those who talk about money less often (Ramsey Solutions 2017 State of Finances in the American Household Survey). I talk about money all day long and I still don’t enjoy the “what did you buy….” conversations with Jacob, but the more we’ve talked, dreamed and planned together over the years, the better we’ve gotten at it.
- The consultation limit. This is great for those who are newly married and have never really had to answer to someone else for their financial decisions. When we were first married, our limit was $20. That has changed over time as our income has grown and our debt has shrunk, but during the first couple years of our marriage, if either one of us intended to spend more than $20 we had to first consult the other person. It didn’t necessarily mean we told each other no, it just held us accountable to one another. It was a good reminder that our money was not our own and every financial decision we made would affect not just ourselves, but our spouse as well.
- Me money. I know, that sounds confusing, especially because I’ve spent this entire time talking about how important it is to be on the same page with money. Me money is just two small line items in your budget that will work wonders for your marriage. This may be $10 each or it may be $100 each, depending on your financial situation. The point of these two lines is this, whatever amount of money you put in this bucket is me money and is therefore money you do not have to answer to your spouse for. Now, I say that lightly because there are probably things you should NOT be spending that money on, but that’s between you and your spouse. What I mean by this is if you want to take $40 (assuming that’s your me money limit) and spend it on xbox live games or you want to save it each month for a more expensive purchase, you can do so without consulting your spouse first. It’s your “me money” and you can spend it as you choose, but when it’s gone, it’s gone. Me money is especially important for couples who don’t necessarily agree on the importance of throw pillows and matching kid’s Christmas jammies.
If you’re newly married or have been married for years and are just now deciding to get on the same financial page, congrats! This is a big step and it won’t be without its hiccups. It can, however, help lead to a healthier marriage and a more stable financial plan. Remember, you married for better or worse, even if worse happens to be major spending differences. Avoid pitfalls, plan together, hold one another accountable, and remember to lead with grace. Money is a sensitive topic, even between people who have committed to spend forever together, be gentle. A special thank you to my wonderful husband, Jacob, who has lovingly tolerated his wife, who is definitely the spender.
Any opinions are those of Molly VanBinsbergen and not necessarily those of RJFS or Raymond James. The information contained in this report does not purport to be a complete description of the securities, markets, or developments referred to in this material. The information has been obtained from sources considered to be reliable, but Raymond James does not guarantee that the forgoing material is accurate or complete. Any information is not a complete summary or statement of all available data necessary for making investment decisions and does not constitute a recommendation.
